Things to look forward to

 So I'm reading this book about mindset post-surgery. One of the things it talks about is visualizing what you want to achieve post-surgery. I have a hard time thinking about the future. Part of that is because it's component of ADHD, and the other is upbringing. Nothing you were ever told was going to happen actually happened. Even things you got excited about were probably not going to happen, like a promised trip somewhere or a reward of some kind. And a lot of the time, even though there was some exterior reason for "the thing" not happening, YOU were blamed for it not happening. We didn't go there because you were bad, even though the reason was not enough money. You learn to stop wanting things, and to stop looking forward to things. Cos you're never going to get it anyways.  It's really hard to visualize a future that's different than your present, when your present looks exactly like your past. 

I started off having very modest goals for the surgery. Maybe just being as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat. That was over a hundred pounds ago, so it's a tall order. Especially when, on some days, I'm not convinced I can change my habits and create a new future that doesn't look exactly like my past. You didn't do it in the past, what makes you think that this will be different, dummy? That's what I hear in my head. 

Anyways, this book made a convincing argument for visualization. So I started thinking about what would be the best-case scenario. That I'd lose ALL the weight. That I WOULD be able to keep up with a new lifestyle, and kick the grazing habit, and the sweet tooth. That was about as far as I went. Today, a thought struck me--all of the cute clothes I have had to get rid of due to putting on weight. 

When you get to be my size, you don't buy clothes that you like. You buy whatever fits, and doesn't look totally hideous on you. Even shoes go from cute to practical, because it's harder to tie shoes, so you end up with supportive slip-ons. That kind of leaves jewelry, but I'm not much of a jewelry person. I have some, but I consistently forget to put some on when getting dressed. But clothes--man. I had some cute clothes. The early 2000s were an era of cute clothes for me. Even when I was in a size 26 (oh how I long for you, 26!) I had some really cute things from Lane Bryant. Now I'm past their sizes and they've gotten hella expensive. 

Most plus size stuff is expensive. Even the stuff that looks like you got it in the sale bin at Walmart--stretchy cotton this and that. I look forward to the price of clothes going down, too. Being able to shop in a regular plus sized shop would be great. Being able to wear straight sizes? Unimaginable. But I'm going to start trying to imagine. If you don't imagine what it could be like, and how it would feel, how can you even think you'll go there? You have nothing to look forward to. I'm so used to having nothing to look forward to that I have to practice. 

It sounds kind of shallow to me--to even care about clothes at all. Which is something else from my childhood to unpack on a different day (it's tied deeply to the Catholic ideal of suffering and sacrifice), but we'll get there eventually. But maybe if I want it enough, I'll stay on track to achieve it, instead of being afraid to want anything at all, and getting nothing in return. y/y?