Hmm

 Still working on thinking up a solution to the situation with the snacks and the niece. Someone suggested tea, which is promising. I am looking into tea clubs that we can both join and then share the tea, because she likes tea. 

In other news, I ate more than I intended last night. It makes me worried about old habits creeping up after surgery. I am not rearranging my insides to fail. I'm certainly not rearranging my insides to fall back into habits that got me into this situation in the first place. 

But I worry. It's so easy to slip. I've slipped with other diets, er, lifestyle changes in the past, and fell back into old habits. I suppose it is not something that bad to work through with my therapist. Which means I have to get back there. It's been like a month. 

I need to get on the exercise train, too. Everything leaves me so tired, though. I'm *so* out of shape. And I have to go back to logging my food intake. So many changes to make. I'm trying to do it, but I'm not being as aggressive as I probably should be. I have a meeting with the surgeon on the 8th. We'll see what happens. 

Thinking up a solution

Every week I ship myself and my niece (aged 10) a snack from a different part of the world, and we open them and try them together on Zoom on Mondays. I get that this is going to have to change, and it will as soon as I figure out an alternative that doesn’t involve unhealthy food. I just can’t problem solve it myself right now. 

If I get her books and we talk about them, then both of us have homework and a deadline for reading them. If I get toys, we are both going to be overrun in short order. And that’s it.  That’s literally all I can think of. I suppose all my creativity has left me. 

I want to keep that shared experience we’ve been having through COVID, but I want it to be consistent with what will be my new lifestyle. Im deeply open to suggestions (lol). 

Expectations

 So I've been thinking a lot about my expectations for WLS. I honestly don't see how I could ever be thin. I've been heavy all my life. I'd just be happy being only as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat. Like... I got down to 220 once, and that's the thinnest I've been in my adult life. But I've been on some WLS forums and I see people who have lost it ALL, and who have maintained. 

I can't imagine having droopy skin being the thing I worry about, instead of my fatness. I mean--what would that be like? What would it be like to just buy an outfit in a shop instead of online? I used to be able to at least shop in plus size shops but now I can't even do that, and it's been such a long time since I was able to do it. I remember being at the high end of what would fit and being able to shop at Cato and buying cute, fashionable clothes. Now I just buy whatever fits, and doesn't look completely awful. You know what I'm talking about--the plus size clothes that doesn't even look good on the straight size models they put it on. 

I can't imagine doing something and getting the t-shirt and having it actually fit. But what if I could imagine it? I don't actually know. I'll have to really visualize it more. And I think I really do need to think about it more. Because if not, I'll not really believe I can lose the weight, and I won't. 

I think that's been one of my hangups about being unsure about whether I could follow the post surgery diet forever. I've fallen off the wagon with every diet, er "lifestyle change" I've tried. What makes me think I can do it now? But I'll have to do it now, I tell myself. I'm not getting my insides rearranged for funzies. But deep down, do I believe I can do it? That's what I'll have to grapple with. Do I really believe I can do it? Do I really believe I can be a thin person? That I even deserve to be a thin person? All stuff to work out. 

Go me.

     I've never realized how much going through drive thrus is a ritual for me. Even if it's just to get something to drink. I got done at my branch much earlier than anticipated, and was coming back to the main library and wanted something to drink because I left my water there. I could have gone into a gas station, where there is more selection (and I did stop at  gas station to get gas just before this), but there's something about the drive thru experience that I don't really have the words for right now. 

Anyways, I managed to make good choices. I got a side salad with lite dressing instead of a dessert, which is what I would normally get. I also got a sugar free lemonade instead of a diet soda, since I'm working on giving up soda. 

I ate my salad and I'm now giving it thirty minutes before I drink anything. Consider it practice. In the meantime, I guess I need to resolve my issues with drive thrus. I really need some new morning routine I can stick to that doesn't involve Dunkin', and if it does, in some sort of positive way. I already only get an unsweet tea and avocado toast but I really need to cut the toast part out. 

I think when I was on Noom, I burned myself out on yogurt for breakfast, so I need to find some fast alternative that I can take with me to work. Yes I know all the reasons I should eat at home. No I'm not going to do them. I wish I were that kind of person, but I think I need to work with who I am, and change the stuff that's really important, not the stuff that doesn't matter as much. Maybe someday I can work on the "making myself breakfast" thing, but it's not in the cards for right now due to various reasons. Among those are low spoons, hating cooking and washing dishes, and barely getting enough sleep the night before (hubs comes home right around when I want to be going to sleep, but it'd be nice to actually talk to him a little before I pass out). 

I wonder when is an appropriate point in this process to start using protein supplements. I suppose I can mix protein powder with my coffee (sometimes I get coffee) and call that breakfast. I'm sure it has less calories, and it still gives me the drive thru routine. I'm sure it'd be better for my wallet if I just quit cold turkey though. 

So that's today's sordid tale. See you later! 

Introspection

Or something like it at least. I had a bit of a revelation today. It may help me part with my food obsession. When I was a kid, we were poor. Not like “didn’t have designer things” middle class poor. I mean real poor. Like…sometimes dinner was bread and butter. 

And if the car needed repairs, you might not be able to go grocery shopping that pay. It’s left me with a lot of food insecurity. I’m obsessed with having extra food in the cupboards “just in case” and that is usually dried good, which are carb heavy and canned goods. Which are, well, canned goods. 

I am anxious about getting All The Things at the grocery store that we normally get, even if I already have them, because it’s on the list. Right now, we had all the bread go off at the same time. It put me in a panic. Like I could go to the shop and get more, but that wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. It was just “oh shit, there are x number of days until grocery day.”

my husband’s car needs some minor work Done. I have no idea how much it will cost. It makes me anxious about getting groceries before we take the car in, cos I don’t know how much the repair will be. I have credit cards. I have money in the savings, but I’m still worried about this in the back of my mind. 

For some reason a bunch of memories just came back all at once. Getting food on food stamps that would last the longest. Groceries not being purchased due to unforeseen expenses. The time my lunch was an unpeeled carrot, taken to school in the bag the newspaper came in. My brother’s kindergarten packed snacks being bread and butter because that’s all we had. There were more things too. But mostly I remember that feeling of “hurry up and get it on pay day,” because you don’t know what will happen later in the pay period   

I do have food insecurity issues. I’m always afraid that it will run out, but I’m also in a rush to eat all the good stuff, because in a family of seven, the good stuff didn’t last long, and you might not get your share. 

I will have to learn to trust that hubs and I will continue to have jobs that will pay the bills. That the cars will function, and if they don’t, that we will have the means to take care of them. That there will always be grocery trips and that food stores will be replenished, and that the good stuff will still be there, if I don’t eat it right away. 

So that’s today’s bit of self awareness. We will see if this results in any changes in my life. 

Ugh.

 So, I always get a snack before I come out to our branch library to work. I realized today, when I stop and get something (the stopping is part of the ritual), I get diet soda, which I know I'll have to give up soon and usually chips or a candy bar. First... that's really not on the pre-surgery diet. I've been doing better at home, except for some faltering, like yesterday. But today, for some reason, I got an M&Ms and a Doritos. First of all, if I'm going to do that, I really need to pick one. 

Second... as I was eating the Doritos, it really hit home that I'm putting trash into my body. These things have no nutritional value. I think they taste good but do they really? I eat all kinds of cheap things that aren't good for you, and aren't the best of their ilk. Now I'm staring down the M&Ms. Part of me is disgusted. Part of me feels like I already ate trash today with the Doritos, I might as well eat the M&Ms too. 

I know if this is going to be successful, I need to get my head on straight. One mistake isn't a reason to throw in the towel. But I do need to commit to making the change, or this isn't going to work. Right now, I'm working on getting the major carbs out of the house. I goofed and bought spaghetti the last time we went grocery shopping. I had a moment of panic "what if we don't have anything to eat!?" unlikely--I was doing the shopping, but I have a history with food insecurity, so I have to fight that impulse. I didn't replace the rice I bought, and I'm eating it an actual serving at a time. 

I need to increase veg and fruit intake. I threw away a basket of strawberries today that went moldy. I should have eaten them last week, so that's why that happened. On a better note, I also had to throw out some moldy bread, so I'm better off with it gone. 

So I suppose this post is a bit confessional. Hopefully saying it out loud, I will make better choices. Really, self. You know it's gross. Don't do it. 

whelp…

I ran into a post on Twitter from a mutual. Very negative on the WLS front. It got me thinking again about whether I want to go through with this. Yes, I understand there could be complications. I know some of them could kill me. It is extreme, but at this point in my life, it’s probably time for extreme measures. Is it starvation? I’ve asked about this, and it’s medically supervised and various nutrient levels are checked often to be sure it’s not. 

So, I’m going to continue to look at stats and things, I’m not just blindly going into it. I also know that up until the surgery, I can back out at any time if I decide the risks are too great. I think, right now, the risks are great if I don’t do something about my weight. Right now, my knees are ok, my back is janky, and my BO and sugar are high-normal. EVERYONE in my family ends up with Type 2 diabetes eventually, on both sides, so I’m fighting that. Everyone ends up with knee replacements, and everyone has heart problems. I figure, if I have the surgery now, before I start having problems, I increase my odds of having few or no complications. 

But right now I’m out of shape completely and utterly, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I’m to the point where it stops me from doing things I want or need to do. Those are some of my reasons for continuing on this path right now. 

Situation: ok. I’m going to continue to look at statistics and see if I like the odds or not. Ignoring evidence is bad, even if it tells me something I don’t like. 

Also: typed on my phone. I’m blaming any and all errors on autocorrect. 

So now that I knocked that "first post" post out of the way, I can get on with things. I've decided to start a blog about a journey I'm currently on, and we'll see how well I actually keep up with it. I'm hoping this blog will give me a place to organize my thoughts, which have been all over lately. 

I've decided to have weight loss surgery. 

Before we continue, I want to give you a chance to opt out. Don't like? Don't read. If you're here to ask why I would "do that to myself," and haven't I tried X, or if you're here to mock me for being fat, just click the X and back out. If you're here, and you're thinking of doing any of those things, or others of their ilk, I'm not going to respond, so it's a waste of your time, really. I'm not obligated to respond or engage with you in a "healthy" debate, and so I just won't. Especially if I don't know you. 

Anyways, I am contemplating permanently altering my physiology in a last-ditch attempt at losing weight. I've done all the things--various diets, various "lifestyle changes," and I've even had weight loss surgery once before. I had a LAP-Band inserted in 2006, and I lost about half the weight I wanted, but it had to be removed due to a complication. Since then, due to lifestyle choices (I'll own it) and "help" from one of my meds (people who use it can expect to see a weight gain of 50-75lbs), I put on a hundred pounds since I had the band removed. 

It's very easy. It creeps up on you. Right around the time I had the band removed, I lost my job. My "lifestyle change diet" went up in smoke. I was buying whatever I could for as little as I could, trying to feed two people on one person's unemployment. After that, when I got an actual job, it still paid less than one that supported actual consistent healthy eating. It took me until very recently to have a job that supports healthier eating. Anyways--between the meds, and my situation, and some high-quality emotional eating, it was easy to watch that scale creep up a pound or two at a time every time I went to the doctor's. 

My most recent weight loss attempt was Noom. It worked... ok. I could have been more dedicated. But I'm tired of dieting, y'all. It's exhausting, emotionally, if not physically. And I never quite found an exercise routine I could stick with. I followed it for a while, then just sort of petered out. I definitely could have worked harder at it, and tried to drum up some enthusiasm. 

What's going to make this time different? The official answer: because it has to be. Because I'm not going to alter myself irreversibly just to fall back into old habits. The gastric bypass doesn't do the work for you. It's a support and a tool. Which means you still have to commit to a lifestyle change. But having a smaller stomach, and having certain things that make you sick, like too many carbs and too many sugars can really be a hand up, when you really need one. 

The less official answer? That's one of the things I think about a lot. Making sure my head is completely in the game, and that I am absolutely ready to change my lifestyle on a permanent basis, not just on an "until I run out of steam and get discouraged" basis. What's going to make this time different? How am I going to keep up the necessary momentum? Especially when I hate cooking and have a tiny kitchen? That's some stuff I need to work out. But there's a blog for that :) 

I have an appointment on the 8th with the surgeon, and I've done the nutrition appointments and the psych eval. I may walk out of the surgeon's appointment with a surgery date (probably not, but it could happen), and then I really do have a deadline for getting my head wrapped around a total change in my life. 

So here we are. A place for me to work out some issues, and keep track of this little adventure I'm going on. Here's to me figuring it all out. 

Today's status: continuing to eat down all the carbs in the house so that I can get rid of them without throwing them out. I haven't been buying replacements, and instead I've been trying to replace them with veg. Instant mashed potatoes with BBQ sauce: I will miss you. *salutes*

That's all for now, I suppose.

 First post!