So now that I knocked that "first post" post out of the way, I can get on with things. I've decided to start a blog about a journey I'm currently on, and we'll see how well I actually keep up with it. I'm hoping this blog will give me a place to organize my thoughts, which have been all over lately. 

I've decided to have weight loss surgery. 

Before we continue, I want to give you a chance to opt out. Don't like? Don't read. If you're here to ask why I would "do that to myself," and haven't I tried X, or if you're here to mock me for being fat, just click the X and back out. If you're here, and you're thinking of doing any of those things, or others of their ilk, I'm not going to respond, so it's a waste of your time, really. I'm not obligated to respond or engage with you in a "healthy" debate, and so I just won't. Especially if I don't know you. 

Anyways, I am contemplating permanently altering my physiology in a last-ditch attempt at losing weight. I've done all the things--various diets, various "lifestyle changes," and I've even had weight loss surgery once before. I had a LAP-Band inserted in 2006, and I lost about half the weight I wanted, but it had to be removed due to a complication. Since then, due to lifestyle choices (I'll own it) and "help" from one of my meds (people who use it can expect to see a weight gain of 50-75lbs), I put on a hundred pounds since I had the band removed. 

It's very easy. It creeps up on you. Right around the time I had the band removed, I lost my job. My "lifestyle change diet" went up in smoke. I was buying whatever I could for as little as I could, trying to feed two people on one person's unemployment. After that, when I got an actual job, it still paid less than one that supported actual consistent healthy eating. It took me until very recently to have a job that supports healthier eating. Anyways--between the meds, and my situation, and some high-quality emotional eating, it was easy to watch that scale creep up a pound or two at a time every time I went to the doctor's. 

My most recent weight loss attempt was Noom. It worked... ok. I could have been more dedicated. But I'm tired of dieting, y'all. It's exhausting, emotionally, if not physically. And I never quite found an exercise routine I could stick with. I followed it for a while, then just sort of petered out. I definitely could have worked harder at it, and tried to drum up some enthusiasm. 

What's going to make this time different? The official answer: because it has to be. Because I'm not going to alter myself irreversibly just to fall back into old habits. The gastric bypass doesn't do the work for you. It's a support and a tool. Which means you still have to commit to a lifestyle change. But having a smaller stomach, and having certain things that make you sick, like too many carbs and too many sugars can really be a hand up, when you really need one. 

The less official answer? That's one of the things I think about a lot. Making sure my head is completely in the game, and that I am absolutely ready to change my lifestyle on a permanent basis, not just on an "until I run out of steam and get discouraged" basis. What's going to make this time different? How am I going to keep up the necessary momentum? Especially when I hate cooking and have a tiny kitchen? That's some stuff I need to work out. But there's a blog for that :) 

I have an appointment on the 8th with the surgeon, and I've done the nutrition appointments and the psych eval. I may walk out of the surgeon's appointment with a surgery date (probably not, but it could happen), and then I really do have a deadline for getting my head wrapped around a total change in my life. 

So here we are. A place for me to work out some issues, and keep track of this little adventure I'm going on. Here's to me figuring it all out. 

Today's status: continuing to eat down all the carbs in the house so that I can get rid of them without throwing them out. I haven't been buying replacements, and instead I've been trying to replace them with veg. Instant mashed potatoes with BBQ sauce: I will miss you. *salutes*

That's all for now, I suppose.