I'm still alive :)

 It's been a while. The surgery went well, if you can't tell from my previous post which was somewhat painkiller-laden. I got out of the hospital on the 10th of September, then trekked it on home from the hospital with the help of hubs. I think he secretly likes driving my car. 

Anyways, recovery has been pretty boring. I spent my requisite two weeks at home. The first week I was in pain and slept way too much. The second week I was better, but still slept too much. Heck, I still sleep too much now. I had a good nine and a half hours last night and still took a nap this afternoon between shifts at work. 

I'm finding out which foods are OK with my stomach and which are not. Apparently real sausage is OK but turkey sausage (you know, the healthy one), is VERY not OK. Chicken is also not great right now. I've been eating a lot of Wendy's chili. It's low in calories (who'd have guessed, right?) and tastes pretty good. So if I'm short on time, that's what I end up getting. It's better to have SOMETHING I can get quickly, I suppose. I can't eat lunch meat yet, and some cheese really upsets my stomach, so none of those meat and sandwich roll ups that people seem to prefer for me. Tonight's dinner is probably going to be pudding with protein powder mixed in. I don't know if it'll be any good, but at least it won't hurt my stomach any more. 

I'm down 34 lbs since the start of the pre-op diet. My clothes fit better, but other than that, you can really hardly tell. I am not keen for the people I work with to know I've had bariatric surgery, so I guess it's good it really doesn't show right now. I've told my immediate family, and my mom is a blabbermouth so she told my extended family, but really that's all who know right now. 

I'm not in the mood to be judged just yet. I'm exhausted and don't have the emotional fortitude for people to tell me I've butchered myself or that I've taken the easy way out. If they saw the lifetime dietary restrictions, etc. they really wouldn't think it's an easy way out. But whatever, I guess. People will find out eventually, I suppose. 

it went well!

So I’m done with surgery and I’ve had like eight naps. I am fixing for another. Pain is manageable, and I was able, after a period of being rather shaky on my feet, able to walk the hall. I still felt a little weird so it will be good to have the nurse walk with me. I’ve had a few snags, but the medical team doesn’t seem that worried so I suppose I shouldn’t be too. So far it’s been all ice chips, which is good because I have nausea that comes and goes. I don’t even want food. 

So this is it. I changed my life. Nothing will be the same from here on out. I have to believe that I can sustain a new lifestyle. If you think you can’t, then you can’t. And one of my favorite quotes: you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. And my other favorite: good enough is good enough. 

So that’s what passes for wisdom from me tonight. Sleep well. I’m sure I won’t, with them checking on me constantly lol. 

Yeah.

So I’m at this thing for work. I came at 1pm to set up and now it’s 4:30 pm and it doesn’t start till 6 pm. So I have a lot of time to myself. Time to think. Mostly about how I had my shake for breakfast, then left in an effort to get better parking stupid early and without snacks, my lunch shake and my dinner salad. 

And to add to the fun, my booth is right near the food trucks. Every time the wind blows I smell sausage and steak and pizza and steak and who knows what else. After a week and two days on this pre-op diet, I could eat them all. My kingdom for a pizza, for real, man. 

I asked my husband to bring me fruit and a shake but it will be a while before he gets here. I probably won’t get my dinner salad until I get home from the event tonight. I wouldn’t say I’m miserable. Just frustrated. I will try to keep my mind off of it, but I’m not sure how successful I am going to be. So. Yay for me. 

Can I do this?

 I'm wondering what in the world makes me think I can do this. What makes me think I can keep to the diet post op? I'm so lazy when it comes to cooking. I don't have a lot of spoons where that is concerned. I don't have room in my kitchen. I am not a good cook and I hate making anything vaguely complicated. I was ordering takeout two times a week until recently because I don't like cooking. Now I have to learn this whole new way of cooking and the mere thought stresses me out. I need cookbooks for idiots with no cooking skills, and I need more spoons. I hate cooking. I'm going to hate trying new recipes even more. 

I know, I know. If I think I can't, then I can't. But I'm really torturing myself over this right now. I don't want to fail. I don't want to mess it up, but let's face it. I have failed every diet lifestyle change I have ever embarked on, even though I told myself that the change HAD to be forever. I don't know what the hell my problem is, and why I can't do it, but I haven't been able to do it in 41 years, and I don't know what makes me think that this time will be different. I read about people experiencing regain and it scares me. I have been fat my entire life. I started dieting when I was eight. I'm particularly miserable right now on this liver shrink diet, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I know my diet won't consist of the same thing every single freaking day the way it does right now, nor will it be two shakes a day which leave me hungry or a salad that leaves me hungry. But it's reminiscent of every diet I've ever done, where I was hungry all the time, and eventually cracked. The smaller stomach will help with that. 

I am, however, worried about my own proclivities. Just a small cheat here, just another cheat there, and the next thing I know I've undone any good I've done with the surgery and gained some or all of it back. I need someone to lie to me and tell me I can do this. That I'm not going to be a huge failure at this the way I've been for my entire life with dieting lifestyle changes. You're not a failure until you give up, bla bla bla. Maybe it's time to give up. Just keep in my tiny world of work and home until I die young because that's what I deserve. 

I mean, why would I change the way I'm eating forever? Eating garbage almost works. It almost fills that void, and if you have something that almost works, and maybe next time will be the time it works, why would you stop for something completely unknown? 

I'm utterly miserable on this diet every day come dinner time and for the rest of the evening. I don't want to be utterly miserable on the new way of eating forever, nor do I want to do the inevitable thing of falling off the wagon and regaining some or all of the weight. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be a normal weight. I haven't been my entire life, what makes me think I can start now? 

I know, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself at the moment. Not sure what to do about it. Or if anything can or should be done about it? Am I going through all of this and spending all of this money for nothing? Should I even bother? I'm not just down about it. I'm in a panic about failing. So yeah. Lie to me. Tell me everything is going to be ok, and I'm not a perpetual fuckup. 

Well…

I had my final appointment with the surgeon and some preop testing (which wasn’t much of anything) today. I asked my questions, got some helpful information, went over what will happen day-of before and after surgery. Shit is getting real. 

I am on the second day of the liver shrink diet. I was ok on day one. Today, this evening, mostly, I am regretting life. I just want a real meal. Only 12.2 more days of this, right? 

It’s all for the greater good. I’m doing this for my health and well-being. There is going to be unpleasantness, but I can do this. I just need to have some fortitude, right? Positive self-talk. That’s the name of the game, here, right? It’ll be alright. 

It's coming up fast

 Surgery is coming up fast. I have plans on getting a blender on Wednesday, and some more protein shakes for pre-op liver shrink diet on Saturday. I have one more grocery trip before the liver shrink diet starts. I'll have to get a lot of lean meat and fat free dressing because my one meal I'm allowed for those two weeks is a salad with as much greens as I'd like but three oz of lean meat on top and nothing else. 

I don't really have worries about sticking to it. I know I just have to power through. My worry is getting enough fruit and veg to last the whole two weeks. Then I have to go grocery shopping and get at least a start on what I need post-surgery the day before I work the entire weekend (I'm working all the way up until my surgery, including all of Labor Day weekend) and don't have time to do it. 

So I guess logistical stuff is my main worry. And coming up with a list of what I need. Right now it all seems very nebulous. 

I will have to actually sit down with some online menus and see what's really realistic for me to make. I have low spoons when it comes to food and I also have a tiny kitchen, so making really fancy stuff is straight out. I try to keep it as simple and as fast as possible. 

One thing that's putting a damper on surgery prep is money. The money I had reserved for protein shakes and bars for the pre-op diet and protein shakes without flavor for the post-surgery diet has to now go into paying two car payments at once, until the GAP insurance takes care of the rest of the car payment on the totaled car. 

I also worry about my husband cooking for himself for the two weeks pre-op and however long post-op that I am off "regular" foods. I really don't want to be on a near-liquid diet and be cooking for him. But he's also a terrible cook and really doesn't like to do it. Oh well. I guess, in a way, that's a him problem and not a me problem. I'll make sure he participates in the grocery shopping so he gets what he wants, but other than that, there's not much else I can do. 

I am SO busy with work from now until I take off for surgery. I'd ask what idiot packed my schedule like this, but it was me. I feel like I have to run this gauntlet before I can take any time off. Then I'm actually looking forward to the time off because I've been going so long and hard for so long. I'm having major surgery, I'm going to be in pain. But man, two weeks off. 

Where have I been?

 Better question: where have I NOT been? A few weeks ago I got into an auto accident and totaled my car that I only had for three weeks. I am ok; I have a bit of a concussion, but nothing too serious. I'm mourning the car though. I loved the color, I loved the features (it was the super-good package) and I loved how it drove. 

It's been replaced with the same model, but without all the cool features, and in a color I don't like. Now I'm dealing with insurance and GAP insurance to get the dang thing paid off. It's a painful and long process. I still have a headache from the concussion. The doctor said to give it two weeks. Oh yeah, and all this happened while I was on the clock for work. *sigh* 

As you can imagine this lead to some emotional eating and some not eating and eating at weird times. I know I can't do that once I have the surgery. I'm doing some behavior modification stuff with my therapist, so I'm actually WORKING on it, even though I haven't perfected it yet. But hey, I'm working on it. :/

I am worried I will slip after the surgery and start making bad choices. I mean, look at my track record. I have 41 years of making bad choices when it comes to food. So I guess that's my major concern right now. It's an idea that I struggle with a lot and I'm doing work now to be ready. I guess that's all that I can do. Progress, not perfection, and all that. I just don't want to "fail" at this surgery, but I feel sometimes like it's inevitable. 

I suck at cooking, I'm often low on spoons when it comes to making dinner, and I have a tiny kitchen which isn't conducive to cooking anything, really. And there's... well, my whole personality and everything about me. I don't think I have especially low self esteem, but I do feel inadequate a lot of the time. I guess that's something else to work on.