Introspection

Or something like it at least. I had a bit of a revelation today. It may help me part with my food obsession. When I was a kid, we were poor. Not like “didn’t have designer things” middle class poor. I mean real poor. Like…sometimes dinner was bread and butter. 

And if the car needed repairs, you might not be able to go grocery shopping that pay. It’s left me with a lot of food insecurity. I’m obsessed with having extra food in the cupboards “just in case” and that is usually dried good, which are carb heavy and canned goods. Which are, well, canned goods. 

I am anxious about getting All The Things at the grocery store that we normally get, even if I already have them, because it’s on the list. Right now, we had all the bread go off at the same time. It put me in a panic. Like I could go to the shop and get more, but that wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. It was just “oh shit, there are x number of days until grocery day.”

my husband’s car needs some minor work Done. I have no idea how much it will cost. It makes me anxious about getting groceries before we take the car in, cos I don’t know how much the repair will be. I have credit cards. I have money in the savings, but I’m still worried about this in the back of my mind. 

For some reason a bunch of memories just came back all at once. Getting food on food stamps that would last the longest. Groceries not being purchased due to unforeseen expenses. The time my lunch was an unpeeled carrot, taken to school in the bag the newspaper came in. My brother’s kindergarten packed snacks being bread and butter because that’s all we had. There were more things too. But mostly I remember that feeling of “hurry up and get it on pay day,” because you don’t know what will happen later in the pay period   

I do have food insecurity issues. I’m always afraid that it will run out, but I’m also in a rush to eat all the good stuff, because in a family of seven, the good stuff didn’t last long, and you might not get your share. 

I will have to learn to trust that hubs and I will continue to have jobs that will pay the bills. That the cars will function, and if they don’t, that we will have the means to take care of them. That there will always be grocery trips and that food stores will be replenished, and that the good stuff will still be there, if I don’t eat it right away. 

So that’s today’s bit of self awareness. We will see if this results in any changes in my life.