Can I do this?

 I'm wondering what in the world makes me think I can do this. What makes me think I can keep to the diet post op? I'm so lazy when it comes to cooking. I don't have a lot of spoons where that is concerned. I don't have room in my kitchen. I am not a good cook and I hate making anything vaguely complicated. I was ordering takeout two times a week until recently because I don't like cooking. Now I have to learn this whole new way of cooking and the mere thought stresses me out. I need cookbooks for idiots with no cooking skills, and I need more spoons. I hate cooking. I'm going to hate trying new recipes even more. 

I know, I know. If I think I can't, then I can't. But I'm really torturing myself over this right now. I don't want to fail. I don't want to mess it up, but let's face it. I have failed every diet lifestyle change I have ever embarked on, even though I told myself that the change HAD to be forever. I don't know what the hell my problem is, and why I can't do it, but I haven't been able to do it in 41 years, and I don't know what makes me think that this time will be different. I read about people experiencing regain and it scares me. I have been fat my entire life. I started dieting when I was eight. I'm particularly miserable right now on this liver shrink diet, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I know my diet won't consist of the same thing every single freaking day the way it does right now, nor will it be two shakes a day which leave me hungry or a salad that leaves me hungry. But it's reminiscent of every diet I've ever done, where I was hungry all the time, and eventually cracked. The smaller stomach will help with that. 

I am, however, worried about my own proclivities. Just a small cheat here, just another cheat there, and the next thing I know I've undone any good I've done with the surgery and gained some or all of it back. I need someone to lie to me and tell me I can do this. That I'm not going to be a huge failure at this the way I've been for my entire life with dieting lifestyle changes. You're not a failure until you give up, bla bla bla. Maybe it's time to give up. Just keep in my tiny world of work and home until I die young because that's what I deserve. 

I mean, why would I change the way I'm eating forever? Eating garbage almost works. It almost fills that void, and if you have something that almost works, and maybe next time will be the time it works, why would you stop for something completely unknown? 

I'm utterly miserable on this diet every day come dinner time and for the rest of the evening. I don't want to be utterly miserable on the new way of eating forever, nor do I want to do the inevitable thing of falling off the wagon and regaining some or all of the weight. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be a normal weight. I haven't been my entire life, what makes me think I can start now? 

I know, I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself at the moment. Not sure what to do about it. Or if anything can or should be done about it? Am I going through all of this and spending all of this money for nothing? Should I even bother? I'm not just down about it. I'm in a panic about failing. So yeah. Lie to me. Tell me everything is going to be ok, and I'm not a perpetual fuckup. 

Well…

I had my final appointment with the surgeon and some preop testing (which wasn’t much of anything) today. I asked my questions, got some helpful information, went over what will happen day-of before and after surgery. Shit is getting real. 

I am on the second day of the liver shrink diet. I was ok on day one. Today, this evening, mostly, I am regretting life. I just want a real meal. Only 12.2 more days of this, right? 

It’s all for the greater good. I’m doing this for my health and well-being. There is going to be unpleasantness, but I can do this. I just need to have some fortitude, right? Positive self-talk. That’s the name of the game, here, right? It’ll be alright. 

It's coming up fast

 Surgery is coming up fast. I have plans on getting a blender on Wednesday, and some more protein shakes for pre-op liver shrink diet on Saturday. I have one more grocery trip before the liver shrink diet starts. I'll have to get a lot of lean meat and fat free dressing because my one meal I'm allowed for those two weeks is a salad with as much greens as I'd like but three oz of lean meat on top and nothing else. 

I don't really have worries about sticking to it. I know I just have to power through. My worry is getting enough fruit and veg to last the whole two weeks. Then I have to go grocery shopping and get at least a start on what I need post-surgery the day before I work the entire weekend (I'm working all the way up until my surgery, including all of Labor Day weekend) and don't have time to do it. 

So I guess logistical stuff is my main worry. And coming up with a list of what I need. Right now it all seems very nebulous. 

I will have to actually sit down with some online menus and see what's really realistic for me to make. I have low spoons when it comes to food and I also have a tiny kitchen, so making really fancy stuff is straight out. I try to keep it as simple and as fast as possible. 

One thing that's putting a damper on surgery prep is money. The money I had reserved for protein shakes and bars for the pre-op diet and protein shakes without flavor for the post-surgery diet has to now go into paying two car payments at once, until the GAP insurance takes care of the rest of the car payment on the totaled car. 

I also worry about my husband cooking for himself for the two weeks pre-op and however long post-op that I am off "regular" foods. I really don't want to be on a near-liquid diet and be cooking for him. But he's also a terrible cook and really doesn't like to do it. Oh well. I guess, in a way, that's a him problem and not a me problem. I'll make sure he participates in the grocery shopping so he gets what he wants, but other than that, there's not much else I can do. 

I am SO busy with work from now until I take off for surgery. I'd ask what idiot packed my schedule like this, but it was me. I feel like I have to run this gauntlet before I can take any time off. Then I'm actually looking forward to the time off because I've been going so long and hard for so long. I'm having major surgery, I'm going to be in pain. But man, two weeks off. 

Where have I been?

 Better question: where have I NOT been? A few weeks ago I got into an auto accident and totaled my car that I only had for three weeks. I am ok; I have a bit of a concussion, but nothing too serious. I'm mourning the car though. I loved the color, I loved the features (it was the super-good package) and I loved how it drove. 

It's been replaced with the same model, but without all the cool features, and in a color I don't like. Now I'm dealing with insurance and GAP insurance to get the dang thing paid off. It's a painful and long process. I still have a headache from the concussion. The doctor said to give it two weeks. Oh yeah, and all this happened while I was on the clock for work. *sigh* 

As you can imagine this lead to some emotional eating and some not eating and eating at weird times. I know I can't do that once I have the surgery. I'm doing some behavior modification stuff with my therapist, so I'm actually WORKING on it, even though I haven't perfected it yet. But hey, I'm working on it. :/

I am worried I will slip after the surgery and start making bad choices. I mean, look at my track record. I have 41 years of making bad choices when it comes to food. So I guess that's my major concern right now. It's an idea that I struggle with a lot and I'm doing work now to be ready. I guess that's all that I can do. Progress, not perfection, and all that. I just don't want to "fail" at this surgery, but I feel sometimes like it's inevitable. 

I suck at cooking, I'm often low on spoons when it comes to making dinner, and I have a tiny kitchen which isn't conducive to cooking anything, really. And there's... well, my whole personality and everything about me. I don't think I have especially low self esteem, but I do feel inadequate a lot of the time. I guess that's something else to work on. 

It's been a while...

 I haven't NOT had thoughts lately, but I haven't had thinky-thoughts. I've also been "away from the computer" sort of busy? Yesterday the library had a booth at an event and so I was busy with that all day. I have one next weekend too. 

Right now I'm waiting for the roast to get done in the Instant Pot. I messed it up earlier, so it's taking twice as long to cook. I'm not the greatest in the kitchen, kids. I worry about after surgery when I'll be doing waaaay more home cooking. I worry about making interesting things that don't require a lot of prep, mostly because I have no spoons most days. Which adds to my stress about cooking, and exacerbates the frustration over having such a small kitchen, and my general lack of cooking ability. 

I bought some cook books. Some of them are a little beyond my ability. Well, they're also beyond my grocery shopping capabilities too. I live in a rural area and some things are either hard to get or just plain not available. 

I'm also just not very good at grocery shopping. I get overwhelmed easily in stores and just need to get out ASAP. I even find the Instacart type shopping to be A Lot, because you have to scroll through nearly infinite things in order to find what you want and it's just so much. I usually shop at Aldi because it's small. My general way of thinking is that if Aldi doesn't have it, then I don't need it. 

We'll see how that works after surgery. I may end up shopping at both Aldi and Walmart just to be sure I get everything I need. It will definitely not be pleasant. It'll also be time consuming. Anymore, I hate going out of the house. The pandemic really just reinforced my natural desire to stay at home and not socialize. 

So anyways...this will probably be one of the last roasts I make, unless I can find something that's lean. But is it really a roast if it's lean? I don't know. Like I said--I don't know enough about food. 

I guess I'm just tired and worried, right now. I worry about being tired later, and not having the spoons to make healthy things. I probably just need a nap, then I can worry about this more later. TTFN

Planning for October

So, my surgery is in early September, then in mid-October I'm doing a little bit of traveling. There is a post-conference retreat for the state library's association that I'm going to, and then that following weekend, my sister's baby shower is happening. It doesn't make sense to drive to Pittsburgh for the thing, drive back home, then drive back to Pittsburgh for the shower, so I'm just going to stay the whole week. 

That's being gone 8 days. I'm wondering how I should pack food, exactly. I may or may not be able to eat what they're serving at the post-conference retreat, and I know my sister will do her best to make food that I can eat (cos my sister is awesome like that), but I just want to be prepared.  Probably a lot of shakes, I guess? I'll have my car, though, so I can put in it whatever I need to. 

I have a few forums I can go on to try to figure out what to take with me on a trip. People with more experience tend to be pretty helpful to newbies such as myself. They talked me through the "what do I do in place of candy with the niece?" problem and we came up with tea. I've since subscribed to a tea of the month box for both of us. So hopefully they can help me think this one through. I'm not entirely sure what/how to make things for me post-surgery yet, much less in a traveling situation where I won't have total control over what I'm making and how I'm making it. 

Kit or Thinking Out Loud

 So I'm trying to figure out what kit I'll need after surgery, and what all I need to get done. I definitely need better measuring cups/spoons. Probably a bullet blender, especially for the post-surgery stage where you can only eat pureed foods. A food scale. Some protein shakes to start with so that I have them for after surgery. 

Folks have said not to get too much in the way of protein ahead of time because your tastes change after surgery and something you like perfectly fine now might make you sick afterward. Some shakes have samples you can purchase, so I guess I'll do that until I figure out what I can tolerate. 

I suppose I should do the same with groceries, and not load up on groceries before surgery because who knows what I'll actually be interested in eating after surgery when I get to the stage where I can have actual foods. 

I was looking on a website that sells bariatric-friendly foods, and they do have things like high protein snacks and meals. I think it's a little early for that. 

I have to clear off some shelf space for all of these items. I have a shelf I can probably use if I can find new homes for all of the stuff there. Our place lacks storage in a major way, which is why I got these shelves for the weird empty spot in the kitchen. Getting rid of the bread maker would certainly make some room. And I could move stuff onto the bottom shelf. Right now it's just a storage place for the bread maker and one of the cats. Biscuit likes to sit there and watch the dog eat like a little creeper. 

In general, I need to get the place cleaned up. I need to pair down some things so there's more room, which will help the cause. The dining room table has had stuff on it since forever, and it's mostly stuff I just don't know what to do with. I got the excess linens out of the bedroom eventually, so I am capable of actually following through with my efforts to organize. I just need to DO it. 

Easier said than done, of course. I have ADHD and starting/stopping projects is really difficult. Something that isn't linear, like organizing is especially difficult too. You work on this, see that out of place, skip over to that, forget what "this" even was, find a third thing that needs attention... it's not a good scene. I know it's going to be chaos, and it's going to get worse before it gets better, so I put it off. A lot. 

The ADHD is a whole separate issue. It makes things a lot harder than they have to be, and leaves me with low spoons a lot of the time (I'm sure being heavy and horrifically out of shape also contributes to low spoons too). Cleaning and even cooking are huge sometimes insurmountable tasks. So cooking the right foods after surgery is going to be a challenge. No more mostly pre-made stuff that's easy to slap together for me, probably. 

Another barrier I have toward keeping the place clean is that Biscuit loves to knock EVERYTHING onto the floor. I know having less clutter will help with this, but oh god it's discouraging toward keeping the place tidy when there's constantly stuff on the floor. A lot times I just leave it because if it's on the floor, he can't knock it back on the floor. I had a glass bottle of coffee liquor that he pushed off the refrigerator and somehow SOMEHOW it didn't break. He just dented the lid. I hope I'm not cleaning this set of shelves off to have a place to put the scale and the blender just to make a space for him to weasel himself onto, pushing off the blender in the process. 

So that's where we're at. I need stuff, and I need to do stuff. One requires money and the other requires energy and concentration (and a cat who will meet me half way). We'll see how it goes.